Anderson diatribe a big yoke

BY ROBIN L. QUILLON

July 18, 2008 01:26 pm

— Here we go again – another wise, all-knowing celebrity speaks out.
No it’s not Martin Sheen slamming America again.
No, it’s not Johnny Depp, who said, “America is like a dumb puppy ... a broken toy ... Disneyland ... you wouldn’t want to live there. ...”
No, it’s not The Dixie Chicks (or as the late Rev. Jerry Falwell called them, the three French hens) criticizing our president and troops during a concert on foreign soil. I don’t remember the last time I heard a Dixie Chick song played on the radio. Do you?
No, it’s not Danny Glover, who called the U.S. president a racist and deemed America “the greatest purveyor of violence in the world.”
And it’s not Bruce Springsteen or “Hanoi Jane.”
I’ll give you a hint: She posed nude for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) in opposition to those who wear fur. She played the part of a lifeguard on the TV show “Bay Watch.”
Another hint: Guys are mostly interested in the acting abilities of her two bouncing buddies.
Her TV show “Stacked” – I know, I know, I’ve never seen it either – was canceled in 2006.
Are you still not sure who I am talking about?
She said this last week from the land down under: “I’ve been in Australia filming ‘Big Brother,’ in which my housemates and I are confined and sealed off from the outside world, much like the chickens who are crammed inside barns for KFC. Fortunately, I won’t be stomped to death, have my legs broken or be scalded to death in a tank of hot water. Yet as PETA’s undercover videos have revealed, the chickens raised for KFC’s restaurant in Australia often suffer these abuses.”
Yes, you guessed it. That non-award-winning actress (and I use the word “actress” loosely) is Pamela Anderson.
A few years ago, Anderson tried to get the bust of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Harland “Colonel” Sanders removed from the Kentucky Capitol.
In a letter to the governor, she said suppliers for the fast-food chain engage in cruel and unusual treatment of chickens. She wrote, or I should say PETA wrote: “The bust of Colonel Sanders stands as a monument to cruelty and has no place in the Kentucky state Capitol.”
How, pray tell, did any of us manage to make it in this world without the brilliant observations and words of wisdom of celebrities? We are just so fortunate and should thank the good Lord above that these smart, wise, all-knowing icons condescend every now and then to enlighten us lowly, ignorant people.
Two things this ditz forgets:
First, we, the humans, are at the top of the food chain and, therefore, get to call the shots.
And, second, chickens are not domesticated animals.
The way I see it, a chicken’s job in life is very simple: To be very tasty, show up on time for the barbecue and, of course, play Tic Tac Toe in Las Vegas.
No kidding, folks, I saw that once. There really is a chicken that plays Tic Tac Toe in a Las Vegas casino. It’s very good and seldom loses. It is well-fed, happy and loves its job dearly.
It looks forward to a tasty retirement. And, more than likely, it possesses more gray matter than a certain Hollywood blonde.
Now you know where I stand on this vegetarian/PETA issue – pass the steaks or, in this case, the barbecued chicken.
I am not horror-struck at all by the Colonel’s process of converting chickens into tasty original, crispy or spicy hot wings, as Ms. Anderson claims to be.
Let’s face it, there is no easy way to perfectly process the food chain to satisfy all the bleating PETA hearts.
After reading her news release, I had a craving for a three-piece meal from KFC. I ran out and, instead of a small three-piece, I bought an 8-piece of original with a side of baked beans and cornbread – in Pamela’s honor of course.
It was finger-licking good enough to make the colonel a general.
Honestly, does anyone care what celebrities think or say, one way or the other, on any issue whatsoever?
Please, out-of-touch celebrity elitists, do us a huge favor: Just shut up and act, or sing or whatever it is we pay to see you do.
For Anderson, that would of course have to include acting lessons first.
I implore you PETA celebrities to let the chickens do what they do best, taste oh so scrumptious.
Well, I’m off to the Colonel’s to check on the treatment of those delicious chickens.

Robin L. Quillon is the publisher of The Tribune-Democrat. He can be reached at rquillon@tribdem.com.