Published: October 02, 2009 02:05 pm      

Oh, deer, course on bargains worth the hunt | TOM LAVIS

BY TOM LAVIS

TLAVIS@TRIBDEM.COM

I walked into the Suds and Grub Café the other night and I heard Junior Miller talking about the lack of deer this year.

“I’ve been helping Tank Perkins bring in silage, and if we had to depend on the deer we have seen for our food, we would be the ones eating the corn instead of his cattle,” Junior said.

That kind of statement usually is enough to generate the unending debate of: “What has happened to the deer population in Pennsylvania?”

To deflect the argument, I jumped into the conversation and declared it was time for me to take a hunter safety course.

Crutch Crupnik, who came out of the restroom just in time to hear my statement, gave me a quizzical look.

“You got a certificate of hunter safety when we took the required training 15 years ago to hunt bear in Canada,” Crutch said.

“Let me clarify,” I said. “I’m looking for a bargain-hunter safety course.”

My wife and I are in the midst of craft season.

We started off strong with a flurry of craft festivals over Labor Day weekend. With pumpkin and harvest festivals on the horizon, I don’t see an end to craft season until Christmastime.

I explained to the group that it’s dangerous out there walking among the various tents and booths trying to find the ultimate treasure.

Whether it’s a grapevine wreath with the right colored dried berries to match the decorative teapot purchased in late summer or finding a distressed wooden shelf to complement the oversized ceramic apple purchased two festivals ago, fighting the unwieldy crowds can be hazardous.

“I reached for a necktie with a mallard flushing from cattails when a woman about 85 years old muscled me out of the way to buy the tie for her great-grandson,” I said.

In a bargain-hunter safety course, certified instructors demonstrate how to prevent such behavior.

“You should have just stepped on her foot,” Crutch said.

Oh, the uneducated are so quick to go to the extreme.

They also educate students on the art of maintaining wallet possession.

“If you don’t want to carry a wallet attached to a chain big enough to restrain a rottweiler, instructors recommend placing said wallet in the glove compartment of your vehicle before entering the festival grounds,” I said.

Everyone was listening intently as they lost interest in the decreasing deer population debate.

“What if you want to buy something?” Junior asked.

“You make your wife pay for it,” I said.

Crutch asked if they had a course dealing with how to avoid certain crafts.

“Anytime someone boasts about Williamsburg or Amish-made doodads, it seems to attract people like flies to a dung pile,” Crutch said.

Junior stated he would take the course if it taught him how to save money when buying festival food.

“Did you notice that at every fall festival there’s always a guy wearing beads made from multicolored coffee beans and playing an acoustical guitar or flute near the food?” Junior asked.

I went to the Bamboozle Craft Festival, where a crafter was selling handcrafted wool products that were guaranteed to be pulled over a buyer’s eyes.

The food selection was questionable at best. Vendors were selling roasted cabbage, deep-fried green pepper rings, toasted chocolate sandwiches, spaghetti and meatballs on a stick and a pigs’ feet platter.

“Oh, dear, that sounds bad,” Crutch said.

“Deer? What deer?” Junior asked, reopening the debate.