The Tribune Democrat, Johnstown, PA

Local News

April 5, 2014

MICHELE M. BENDER | Whisper sweet nothings in my ear

— “Your call is very important to us,” growled the crabby lady at the utility company. “Please wait for the next available representative.”

Ever suspect that there is no next representative? Maybe just six people in a coffee room playing poker, laughing their fannies off.

Utilities were notorious phone slackers, but Social Security put a new emphasis on lethargy. I’m applying for Medicare. Yesterday I spent 86 minutes (over three calls) waiting for that elusive representative.

Mostly, I play nicely with recorded people. My friend, Nancy, has a really hot, debonair guy fielding her missed calls. We chat often.

Now, the taped pharmacy tech gets easily confused and flustered. Transpose two numbers in your script refill and watch what happens. (Keep an extra 9-volt handy!)

“Fish sandwich and a diet Coke,” I politely ordered at the drive-up window.

“Fzhtgm haekj dvxuqp,” replied the captive in the box.

“OK, fries, too.”

Catalog orders have variety.

Order some junk from Fingerhut and it’s processed by a guy with the IQ of Gilligan. Purchase a leather jacket from Macy’s and you reach Katharine Hepburn.                    

The recorded bank teller seems a mite too jovial when she announces, “We are sorry to inform you that your account has been overdrawn.”

I entertain myself when the disembodied voice informs me that the menu has changed. I dutifully listen and select the number that appears to correspond to my problem. Doing this sends me to web purgatory for at least, say, 86 minutes.

When I call back, I carefully select the stupidest option, making sure it has nothing to do with my actual difficulty. Someone, probably bored to tears, picks up on the first ring and I have “bagged him,” the elusive representative.

I discovered that, with very little effort, I can ditch the mechanized default voice. For now, I have replaced him with seductive Barry White.

Knowing how irritating recorded folks can be, I make it a point to raise the bar. Close to Election Day, I record, “Hi. Michele here. Sling your mud after the beep.”

At Christmas, I ask why Santa is always so jolly. “It’s because he knows where all the naughty girls live. C’mon, ’fess up! Were you naughty or nice?”

With Easter approaching, I created something new. “Can’t take your call. The Easter Bunny decided to go Goth this year. I’m helping him draw the tattoos and pierce the shells.”

Enjoy spring and have fun with Medicare.

 

1
Text Only | Photo Reprints
Local News
  • foust_25 Teen shot in Oakhurst

    A 16-year-old New Jersey boy was taken to Conemaugh Memorial Medical Center on Thursday after being shot three times in the Oakhurst section of Johnstown.

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • Audit: City overspent by $700G in 2013

    Legacy costs contributed significantly to the city of Johnstown coming up $689,000 short in its core services funding during 2013.

    July 24, 2014

  • Kuzma, jonathan Guilty plea in hammer death

    The Johnstown man who authorities said killed his father with a hammer last year pleaded guilty Wednesday to criminal homicide, authorities said.

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • quecreek rescue Events to mark anniversary of Quecreek rescue

    When word spread that nine Quecreek miners were trapped underground in July 2002, Bill Arnold’s dairy farm quickly became the rescue effort’s ground zero.

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • Man charged with running down fire official at accident scene

    A Mineral Point man has been charged with running down a fire police official at Monday’s fatal crash scene on William Avenue in Jackson Township.

    July 25, 2014

  • Tribune Treasure!

    July 25, 2014

  • Huger, Stephen Accused Hornerstown shooter will stand trial

    A Johnstown man will stand trial in connection with a July 12 shooting in the Hornerstown section of the city.

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • Board names Zahorchak’s successor

    The Greater Johnstown school board at a special meeting Thursday named a superintendent to replace the retiring superintendent, rehired its last business manager and approved other administrative appointments.

    July 24, 2014

  • Pasquerilla, Mark Pasquerilla recognized as arts patron

    First lady Susan Corbett announced Thursday from the Jimmy Stewart Museum in Indiana, Pa., that Mark Pasquerilla of Johnstown has earned the Patron Award from the 2014 Governor’s Awards for the Arts.

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ebensburg gets ready to party

    Party down with a shutdown.
    Downtown Shutdown, a street party featuring music and food, will be held from 7 to 11 p.m. Friday in downtown Ebensburg.

    July 24, 2014

Poll

What is the biggest key to reducing gun violence in Johnstown?

Tackling the area's drug problem.
Controlling folks moving into city housing.
Monitoring folks in treatment centers and halfway houses.
Tougher sentencing by the court system.
More police on the streets.

     View Results
House Ads