I was floored last week when Crutch Crupnik, the man who can resist everything except temptation, suggested to those of us attending the Suds and Grub Christmas party to come up with New Year’s resolutions.
“This is the year that I will drink less alcohol,” Crutch declared.
He made his resolution shortly before walking into the ladies room because he was too inebriated to realize that the figure on the door was wearing a dress.
While I have my doubts about Crutch keeping his New Year’s resolution, I wish the others in my social circle well.
Junior Miller, who was upset this past year because his wife mysteriously kept shrinking his bib overalls, has vowed to lose weight.
For those who know Junior, they realize he will need a weapon of mass reduction to win the war on flab and get back into shape.
Junior once stood in front of a fast food restaurant holding a sign that read: “Will work for fries.”
“I’m going to buy me one of those eclipse machines,” he said, shortly after voicing his resolution.
We looked quizzically at each other.
“What is an eclipse machine?” I asked.
“It’s one of them there hickeys where you stand in one spot and peddle your legs like riding a bike while pushing two handles back and forth,” he said.
“Are you talking about one of those bicycles with only one wheel?” Crutch asked after finding his way back to the table from the ladies’ room.
“I said stand on,” Junior said. “You know, an electrical machine.”
I had to end the conversation by informing them both that the device was called an elliptical machine and is much kinder to the joints than riding a stationary bike or running on a treadmill.
“Why don’t you make it a resolution not to butt into every conversation?” Junior said to me.
“Junior, I was just trying to tip the scale in your favor,” I said, realizing immediately that it was a poor choice of words on my part.
“Every scale Junior steps on tips,” Crutch said and roared with laughter.
Junior also said he was going to join Waist Watchers.
The puzzled looks returned.
I took Junior’s advice and decided it wasn’t healthy for me to butt in again.
He had just calmed down when Tank Perkins suggested that if he did buy exercise equipment, he should position it in front of the refrigerator, blocking the door.
“Don’t listen to him, Junior,” Crutch said. “Put it near the front door and use it as a coat rack.”
If looks could kill.
It does seem that the older we get the more emphasis we put on eating healthy, which is my 2012 resolution.
As a younger man, I thought a balanced diet meant carrying a ham sandwich topped with two dill pickles in one hand and a dessert plate stacked with cookies on top of a glass of beer in the other without spilling anything as I made my way from the buffet table to a sofa.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. While your attention is riveted on the stack of cookies, the pickles have a tendency to roll off the sandwich.
As I got older, I got wiser.
I found that by sticking the pickles (or pickled egg or a dinner roll) in my mouth while walking, I could reach the sofa without dropping a crumb.
Today is a good day to take stock of our lives and become resolved at keeping our New Year’s resolutions.
From the Institute of Absurdity, recent studies estimate that about 55 percent of people make at least one resolution, but after only three weeks, it’s usually forgotten.
Roughly 95 percent of the people making resolutions fail to accomplish any of their goals.
Wow, only 95 percent. I thought it would be even higher.
New Year’s resolutions have a history of turning into my to-do list for the first week of January.
Happy New Year.
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